1. Upon being introduced to a friend of a friend–and your connector friend leaves to go to the bathroom–it’s time for a full-on panic.
2. Full on panic = nodding three times to many, and maintaining a strict 49% smile…enough to giveaway that you’re only really pretending to have a good time, and wouldn’t necessarily mind disintegrating into a vat of a dishwasher detergent.
3. Upon running into someone you know, you have an alarmingly impressive tendency to create long, stifling pause after the initial “hey what’s up” greeting exchange.
4. You have terrible, terrible grasp of innate stop and chat protocols.
5. Upon going in for a handshake, you’re incredibly good at totally destroying the flow. Is it a pound? Traditional handshake? Elaborate drug dealer thing?
6. You have a habit of muttering song lyrics in public. You have a habit of looking up those lyrics three weeks later, and realizing that you were singing botched lyrics that whole time.
7. When asked, you pretend to know you’ve listened to certain albums/seen certain movies. But judging by your facial cues, everyone in the room knows there’s definitely not an Oscar in your future.
8. The first step to treating a problem is admitting that you have a problem. Apparently, this doesn’t apply to your dance skills.
9. When trying to court a girl/guy, you tend to ask an unnecessary number of questions reeking of overconcerned insecurity. I.e., “is something wrong?”, or “are you okay?” Basically, you’re exactly like that guy from Waiting who couldn’t pee in public.
10. When trying to keep up in social conversations, you’ll blurt out babble that sounds related to what’s being talked about, but isn’t really. The timing here will also be incredibly off. See: Paul Scheer at the :18 and :44 mark in the video below:
11. You get all weird when people look you in the eye for too long.
12. Contrary to what you’ve tried to convince yourself, staring in the general direction of someone isn’t the same thing as looking them in the eye.
13. In casual, non-threatening conversation, you’ll tend to resort to some subconscious nervous tic–like rubbing your eye, or stretching a bunch.
14. You struggle with informal greetings, yet continue try and force-feed the “yo yo yos” and “sup homeslices” to all of your homedawgs.
15. You’re way too dependent on your “Two Drink Mike:”
16. Upon re-reading Facebook statuses and tweets that you thought would be funny, even you feel the pain.
17. When speaking to groups of people, your sentences speak like english is not a thing that you…uh….like umm, don’t know like, the greatest.
18. You convince yourself that you’re able to pull off suave moves–like balancing 5 coffee cups on a tray only meant for 4. We all know how that one ends.
19. When watching yourself on camera, it looks like this:
20. You’re not exactly clumsy…but there’s something about interacting with people that makes you trip on your shoelaces, fall on your chin, and spend the night getting stitched up in the emergency room.
21. Any non-cringeworthy moment = Your Kodak moment.
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